Myths about domestic abuse
Women’s Aid have conducted research with adults as well as children and young people, to gather insight on public attitudes towards domestic abuse to better understand where and why domestic abuse is ‘tolerated’ in our society.
- Women’s Aid research as part of the Come Together campaign found that 34% of UK adults believe domestic abuse is the result of just ‘bad people’ rather than a reflection of sexism in wider society enabling it (Women’s Aid, 2022).
- UK adults also see the abuser’s perceived wellbeing or repentance as an excuse for abusive behaviour. There was a 15% drop (from 81% to 66%) in those who thought the husband in a given scenario was really wrong to slap his wife when he later apologised. UK adults therefore also see the abuser’s perceived wellbeing or repentance as an excuse for abusive behaviour. (Women’s Aid, 2022).
- Women’s Aid research found that Children and young people exposed to misogynistic social media content like Andrew Tate were almost 5x more likely than those not exposed to view hurting someone physically as acceptable if you say sorry afterwards. Children and young people exposed to this type of misogynistic content were more likely to think that there should be a more dominant person in relationship (31% compared to 14%), and also viewed hurting someone physically as more acceptable (19% compared to 4%) (Women’s Aid, 2023).
- Of 18-25-year-olds surveyed, 65% of respondents (67% of women and 62% of men) agreed that ‘you should always have consent from your partner to have sex when you are in a relationship’, however, almost a quarter of young people (23% overall; 23% of women and 25% of men) disagreed or strongly disagreed with this statement (Women’s Aid, 2023).
- Over a third of the younger people surveyed agreed with the statement, ‘if your partner is being jealous, it shows that they care about you’ (35%) and that ‘it’s okay to check your partner’s outfits before they go to the gym to prevent unwanted attention’ (34%) (Women’s Aid, 2023).
The Crime Survey for England and Wales found that (in the year ending March 2017) the majority of adults responding to the survey thought it was always unacceptable to hit or slap a partner (ONS, 2018). However, some respondents thought it was always, mostly or sometimes acceptable to hit or slap a partner in response to:
- Having an affair or cheating on them (7.1%)
- Flirting with other people (2.0%)
- Constantly nagging or moaning (1.5%)
A study on teenage intimate relationships, which involved interviews with 100 young people across five EU countries, including England, found that online and offline control and surveillance was accepted as normal by many young people (Barter et al, 2015). The majority of young people interviewed in England felt that sending sexual images of themselves to an intimate partner was normal behaviour, and verbal abuse was tolerated by many of those interviewed across all five countries.
52% of girls aged 11-21 taking part in Girlguiding’s 2017 attitudes survey said that gender stereotypes affect the way they behave with boys, and 25% of girls aged 18-21 thought that sexting is a normal part of relationships (Girlguiding, 2017). 16% of 18–21-year-olds had felt pressured to send nude photos of themselves.
There are many myths around domestic abuse and its causes. Help us challenge some of the most widely believed and deep-rooted misconceptions.
Myth #1: If it was that bad, she’d leave.
Reality: Women stay in abusive relationships for many different reasons, and it can be very difficult for a woman to leave an abusive partner – even if she wants to. Like any other relationship, one that ends in abuse began with falling in love and being in love. Abuse rarely starts at the beginning of a relationship, but when it is established and often harder to leave.
A woman may still be in love with her partner and believe him when he says he is sorry and it won’t happen again; she may be frightened for her life or for the safety of her children if she leaves; she may have nowhere to go; she may have no financial independence. Abusers often isolate their partners from family and friends in order to control them, making it even more difficult for an abused woman to exit the relationship.
Women in abusive relationships need support and understanding – not judgement.
Myth #2: Domestic abuse always involves physical violence.
Reality: Domestic abuse does not always include physical violence. Women’s Aid defines domestic abuse as an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence, by a partner or ex-partner. These incidents can include coercive control; psychological and/or emotional abuse; physical abuse; sexual abuse; financial abuse; harassment; stalking; and/or online or digital abuse.
Myth #3: Alcohol and drugs make men more violent.
Reality: Alcohol and drugs can make existing abuse worse, or be a catalyst for an attack, but they do not cause domestic abuse. Many people use alcohol or drugs and do not abuse their partner, so it should never be used to excuse violent or controlling behaviour. The perpetrator alone is responsible for his actions.
Myth #4: He can be a good father even if he abuses his partner – the parents’ relationship doesn’t have to affect the children.
Reality: An estimated 90% of children whose mothers are abused witness the abuse. The effects are traumatic and long-lasting. When a child witnesses domestic abuse, this is child abuse. Between 40% and 70% of these children are also direct victims of the abuse which is happening at home.
To find out more about children and domestic abuse, join our Child First campaign.
Myth #5: She provoked him.
Reality: This myth is widespread and deep-rooted. It is often based on the belief that the man is the head of the family, and that his role is to punish his partner or children if they act in a way he doesn’t approve of.
The myth is dangerous because any reference to ‘provocation’ means that we are blaming the woman and relieving the abuser of responsibility for his actions. Abuse or violence of any kind is never the victim’s fault. Responsibility always lies with the perpetrator and with him alone.
If someone confides in you that they are experiencing domestic abuse there are some simple things you can do to support them. However, if the person you are worried about has not directly disclosed the abuse to you, it can be more difficult to support them but it’s good to understand how you can be there for them.
Myth #6: Domestic abuse is a private family matter, and not a social issue.
Reality: Violence and abuse against women and children incur high costs for society: hospital treatment, medication, court proceedings, lawyers’ fees, imprisonment – not to mention the psychological and physical impact on those who experience it.
All too often, when women disclose their abuse, no one listens to them, and no one asks them what they would like to happen next. That’s why Women’s Aid developed Change that Lasts. It places the survivor at the heart and builds responses around her needs and the strengths and resources available to her.
Domestic abuse happens every single day all over the world, and affects women of all ages, classes and backgrounds. It is a serious, widespread crime. Despite this, Women’s Aid and other organisations like us are still campaigning to ensure that survivors’ voices are heard. When we describe domestic abuse as a ‘private family matter’, we minimise, condone and permit it.
Myth #7: Pornography is not linked to violence against women.
Reality: Most consumers of pornography are male, and pornographic material is becoming increasingly explicit, violent, and focused on male pleasure. It’s also freely available to anyone online, and studies indicate it is how many young people find out about sex.
Pornography contributes to a culture of misogyny, in which women and girls are abused by men for male pleasure. Women are harmed by pornography in two ways: directly, when they are used for the production of pornographic material; and indirectly, through the effects of mainstream availability and consumption of violent pornography.
Myth #8: Women are just as abusive as men.
Reality: In the vast majority of cases, domestic abuse is experienced by women and perpetrated by men. A woman is killed by her male partner or former partner every four days in the UK England and Wales. In the year ending March 2023, data supplied from 28 police forces showed that the victim was female in 73.5% of domestic abuse-related crimes recorded by the police, compared with 26.5% of domestic abuse-related crimes where the victim was male (ONS, 2023a). Domestic abuse is a gendered crime that is deeply rooted in the societal inequality between women and men.
Women are more likely than men to experience multiple incidents of abuse, different types of domestic abuse, and sexual violence particularly (Dobash and Dobash, 2004; Hester, 2013; Myhill, 2015). Domestic abuse exists as part of the wider spectrum of violence against women and girls, which also includes different forms of family violence such as forced marriage, female genital mutilation and so-called “honour crimes” that are perpetrated primarily by family members.
Myth #9: Women often lie about abuse.
Reality: False allegations about domestic abuse are extremely rare (Crown Prosecution Service, 2022). This myth is extremely damaging because the fear of being called a liar can and does deter women from reporting the abuse they have experienced.
Myth #10: Men who abuse women are mentally unwell.
Reality: There is no research that supports this myth. Abuse and violence are a choice, and there is no excuse for them. Domestic abuse happens throughout every level of society, regardless of health, wealth or status.
The UK public are less likely to believe that abusive behaviour is extremely wrong when the perpetrator is suffering with mental health issues following a breakup. This was particularly the case amongst young adults (16-24), with only 15% responding that the behaviour was ‘extremely wrong’ (Women’s Aid, 2022).
Myth #11: Women are attracted to abusive men.
Reality: Domestic abuse is prevalent throughout society, and it is not uncommon for a woman to experience abuse in more than one relationship. To suggest that some women are particularly attracted to abusive men is victim-blaming. A perpetrator of domestic abuse can be charming and charismatic when he first meets a new partner, and often no one, let alone the woman he has just met, would suspect he would ever be abusive in a relationship.
Myth #12: Men who abuse their partners saw their fathers abuse their mothers.
Reality: Domestic abuse is prevalent throughout society, and because of this many people have grown up witnessing domestic abuse. Most of these people will never perpetrate domestic abuse in their own relationships, so it is never an excuse – and some of our most passionate supporters are child survivors of domestic abuse.
Myth #13: Domestic abuse isn’t that common.
Reality: We know through our work over the last 50 years with survivors and local services that domestic abuse is very common. On average, one woman is killed by a male partner or ex-partner every week in the UK England and Wales. Domestic abuse has a higher rate of repeat victimisation than any other crime, and in the year ending December 2023, the police recorded a domestic abuse offence approximately every 40 seconds (ONS, 2024).
There are no reliable prevalence data on domestic abuse, but the Crime Survey of England and Wales (CSEW) offers the best data available. The latest figures, to the year ending March 2023, found that around one in four women (27%) have experienced domestic abuse since the age of 16 (ONS, 2023b).
To find out more about how common domestic abuse is, click here.
Myth #14: Domestic abuse is a ‘crime of passion’, a momentary loss of control.
Reality: Domestic abuse is rarely about losing control, but taking control. Perpetrators rarely act spontaneously when angry. They consciously choose when to abuse their partner: when they are alone, and when there are no witnesses (if there is a witness, then usually they are a child). They have control over whom they abuse. To find out more about the characteristics of domestic abuse, click here.
Myth #15: All couples argue – it’s not domestic abuse, it’s just a normal relationship.
Reality: Abuse and disagreement are not the same thing. Different opinions are normal and completely acceptable in healthy relationships. Abuse is not a disagreement – it is the use of physical, sexual, emotional or psychological violence or threats in order to govern and control another person’s thinking, opinions, emotions and behaviour.
When abuse is involved, there is no discussion between equals. There is fear of saying or doing the ‘wrong’ thing. To find out more about the characteristics of domestic abuse, click here.
Myth #16: Women are more likely to be attacked by strangers than by those who claim to love them.
Reality: In fact, the opposite is true. Women are far more likely to be assaulted, raped and murdered by men known to them than by strangers.
Nine in ten (92.5%) of rapes against women during the year ending March 2022 were carried out by someone they knew, and perpetrators were most likely to be an intimate partner (46.2%) (ONS, 2023c). On average, one woman is killed by a male partner or ex– partner every week in the UK England and Wales (ONS, 2023a).
Myth #17: Domestic abuse is the result of just ‘bad people’.
Reality: 34% believe domestic abuse is the result of ‘bad people’ rather than a reflection of sexism in wider society enabling it. Findings indicate that those with a belief that the root cause of domestic abuse is in the individual rather than societal inequality are less likely to see the harm caused by abusive behaviours or understand it as a pattern of behaviour (Women’s Aid, 2022).
