Being from the Traveller community and a catholic background, leaving a marriage meant losing your community and their respect and leaving everything you’ve known behind. It would have been easier to take your own life than leave your husband and bring shame on your name and your family. You suffer in silence because of the “shame”. You get a bad name and reputation for being a divorced woman – like that meant I was a “dirty” woman. I wrote this poem very early days after my divorce and looking back and reading it now ten year later I’m so proud of how far I’ve come and how I picked myself up from a very dark place. I saved myself and my children from living with abuse we had so much against us but came through the other side strong and happy. If you are part of the Traveller community and need help, visit the Traveller Movement here.
I’m not angry just disappointed
I’m not angry just disappointed
Left my guard down and spoiled it
Too young and innocent to know it,
Wish I could turn back and avoid it
Just another life fail and disappointment,
But I’m not angry just disappointed.
It’s never enough no matter what
Life just keeps being too tough,
Broken pieces, battle scars
I lay alone in the dark
Wishing back on better times
When I was naive but I was fine,
In and out of depression my life gets to heavy and I don’t see a point to it
But I’m not angry just disappointed.
Give me strength for another day
To put on a smile and act ok,
No one can know my struggle
I won’t have them see me as weak, you see,
Those who turned their backs on me and bowed their head to be false and pretend to not see the grief that was killing me, to them I could not depend
But I’m not angry just disappointed.
Built up walls, armors strength like no other so that they will never see that vulnerable, weak side of me, cut me down hurt again all those wounds that took years to mend,
I try to forgive and try to forget to move on with life with no regrets but deep within there will always be a broken soul inside of me
But I’m not angry just disappointed.
So do your best carry on, you start as you mean to go on,
But know this you will never be big enough to damage me
A shattered soul, a broken heart
I have nothing left there is no part for you to take to hurt or destroy nothing left you see I have an ice-box where my heart used to be,
Throw your stones and I’ll throw mine I’ll get through it more scars but fine, I hope you can sleep peacefully I don’t hate you do you see.. Cause I’m not angry just disappointed.
[Image description: Dark writing on a white background reads: ‘Give me strength for another day to put on a smile and act ok, no one can know my struggle.’]